At this point, if you aren’t using some form of social media, you’re either in a prison or a nursing home. Whether it’s facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, etc., almost everyone is somehow a part of the online community.
But like every community, there should be some rules. Some are obvious, i.e. don’t seduce children in a chat room or show someone your junk on Chat Roulette. Others, however, are apparently less obvious. There are several categories of frequent violators. These are the people whose posts make us want to give ourselves several open wounds and jump in a ball pit full of salt.
Below is a summary of the ten most obnoxious people we all encounter daily on social media in no particular order:
1. The Single Troll
Being single isn’t nearly as uncommon as it once was. In fact, single people may soon be the majority.
This trend is frightening, however, given the online behavior of some perpetual loners. Try as you might, you will never escape their constant cries for love and affection.
Typical Post: “Someday my prince will come…”
Could you possibly make Disney any more depressing?
Sure, being single has its share of bad times, but begging the Internet for a companion isn’t exactly the best way to cope with your issues. That’s what psychotherapists are for.
Longing for romance is one thing. Sitting alone in your house wearing nothing but an XL T-shirt, shoveling pint after pint of Haagen Dazs into your lonely mouth while watching “Sleepless in Seattle” on an endless loop is another.
But it’s not just the ones who can’t buy a date. There are also violators who seem to attack anything with a Y chromosome after the first date of what they’re sure will be a lifelong relationship ends in misery.
Typical Post: He’s not worth it if I’m just an option and NOT A PRIORITY!!!! I CAN AND WILL DO BETTER!
No. You can’t and you won’t do better.
One failed first date is bad luck. Two is a coincidence. Beyond that, I sincerely doubt that every single man in the universe is flawed and fails to see you in all your glory.
You’re the problem. Get over it, sister. And most importantly, stop telling us about it.
Being single: You’re doing it wrong.
2. The Smother Lover
At the other end of the spectrum, we find the people that seem to have no problems with love whatsoever. In fact, their lives are positively perfect. Nothing could possibly knock them down from this cloud made of Dove chocolate and pheromones
Typical Post: A FANTASTIC Tuesday with my lovvvvveee! Couldn’t be happier!
And I couldn’t be more nauseous.
Don’t get me wrong. Love is a good thing. It makes the world go ‘round…or, whatever. But for Cupid’s sake, woman, give it a rest! (I say “woman” because any man posting something like this is probably a) being prodded by his girlfriend/fiance/etc. to do it, and b) is already silently chastising himself. No need to pile on here.) It just isn’t possible that the only answer you have to the question “what’s on your mind?” is LOVE, LOVE AND MORE LOVE.
Twitter asks “what are you doing?” It is my prayer that these lovehounds refrain from answering said query.
Yeah, your relationship may be great, even close to perfect. But I don’t give a flying frog’s fat crack, and neither does anyone else. Also, on the other side of the coin, these posts could also be a form of self reassurance. Sure, your relationship is the perfect love story…if you keep telling yourself and everyone else enough about it.
So stop, you nimrodic nymphos. Those who don’t have love are pissed at you, and those who have normal relationships know you’re lying. Oh, and they’re pissed, too.
3. The Academic
It’s the 21st century, and a growing number of young men and women are going to college. Unfortunately for us, many of those same people spend more time telling people how smart they are than they do actually getting smarter.
Typical Post: Just 14 pages left in my psychoanalysis of the modern American clown and the historical impact of its makeup, attire and general personality! It’s going to be quite the long night!
I went to college. I wrote papers. Not once in my entire college career did I think that my friends or followers wanted to hear anything about what I’m doing in school. Let’s be real, it annoyed us to no end when an adult asked us as a child what we were learning.
First rule of education: don’t talk about education.
There are only two reasons I can think of as to why you’d want to waste someone’s time by telling them the subject matter, depth and length of your current assignment. Either you’re crying out for sympathy (“OM Geeeeeee, this is SOOO HARD!!!), or you’re pompously trying to prove how smart you are (I know the word ‘socioeconomic!’ Aren’t I a genius?!). Both of those reasons make you a total loser.
If you spent half as much time writing that paper as you did tweeting about it, you might actually put together some coherent thoughts, unfettered by grammatical errors and sentence fragments.
4. The Exhibitionist Expectant Mother
I haven’t had a baby. I’ve only been one. But I can imagine that the experience of pregnancy can be a very exciting time. But it is also a very disgusting time—A time we absolutely don’t need to hear about until that little human pops into this world (and is fully cleaned and sanitized).
Typical Post: I wish this baby would hurry up and GET HERE! I’ve thrown up FIVE TIMES in the past two days! SO SICK!
Posts like this one are less common than the pictures. I would post examples, but I had Taco Bell for lunch, and that doesn’t look too good the second time around. But my lord, do pregnant women love the pictures.
There are two major violations that happen here: the pregnant belly and the sonogram.
Strip clubs have fewer naked women than social media sites. For some reason, women find it rational, and appealing, for that matter, to show off their massive midsection at various stages of gross. Here’s a hint, ladies: If you ever want anyone to find you attractive ever again, you’ll stop posting these belly shots.
Additionally, as stated before, I don’t want to see your infant before it’s about three weeks old. Let’s be honest. Every single baby ever born looks like an alien for about that time. I’ll say it about my kids one day just as soon as I’ll say it about yours. It’s the truth. When you post a picture of your child in your womb, you’re showing us what could be the most private and disgusting thing on God’s green earth.
Even your friends who post things like “OMG, SOO cute, Heather!” are merely lying to you. In their head and to their boyfriends, all they’re talking about is how fat you are and how ugly your baby is.
Stop it.
5. The Runner
I don’t work out. But thanks to social media, I know a crapload of people who do. They’re more than happy to tell you exactly how much they work out while simultaneously making you feel like a worthless, lazy pile of garbage.
Typical Post: Ran 5 miles this morning! Getting up at 6 a.m. wasn’t pretty, but it was so worth it!
We get it. You run. But if you’re looking to impress someone, you should probably tweet Christopher Reeve. Everyone else is less than awed.
I used to run to class all the time because I’m social, not an Academic and I have a life, so I talk to people, which makes me late. So I ran to class and suffered some of the most painful shin splints you could possibly imagine. But never once did I send everyone I know a blast that said something like “Just briskly jogged 0.7 miles! Feelin’ it!”
Not cool, bro.
You see, as much as you may view running as a “big deal,” it’s kind of a mundane, menial task. Nothing to get excited about. Imagine me tweeting every time I downed a sweet tea from Wendy’s or played air guitar alone in my car. Yeah, it makes me feel good about myself, but the whole free world doesn’t have to hear about it (maybe next year, China…).
If you run and you post about that run minutes after you’re finished, I suggest you gallop straight into the nearest ocean.
6. The Copycat
“Stole this from a friend.” That’s the excuse these violators use when they want to post about being intellectually void without being judged by the online community. “This is dumb, but I HAD to share,” is another favorite.
The bottom line is that these people can’t come up with anything original, so they cook up some copy pasta and call it a day.
Typical Post:
__________________$$$$__________$$ $$
________________$$__________________$$$$
______________$$________________________$$$$
____________$$______________________________$$
___________$__________________________________$$
___________$$___________________________________$$
__________$$__$$______________________$$__________$$
________$$__$$___$$$$_________$$$$____$$__________$$$$
______$$___$$__$$$$__$$_____$$$$__$$_$$_____________$$$
______$$___$$____$$$$_________$$$$___$$_______________$$
______$$___$$________________________$$_______________$$
______$$____$$_______________________$$_____________$$
________$$__$$____$$$$$$_____________$$___________$$$
________$$__$$__$$______$$___________$$_________$$
________$$__$$__$$______$$___________$$_______$$
__________$$$$____$$$$$$_____________$$$$____$$$$
__________$$$$_____________________$$__$$____$$$
___________$$_$$$$$$$$$$$$_____$$$$______$$$$_$$
_____________$$___$$______$$$$$_______________$$
_____________$$_____$$$$$$$____________________$$
_____________$$________________________________$$
____________$$_________________________________$$
____________$$_________________________________$$
____________$$_________________________________$$
____________$$___________________________________$$
__________$$_________________________$$___________$
__________$$__________$$___________$$_____________$$
________$$__$$________$$_________$$_______________$$
______$$____$$__________$$_______$$_______________$$
______$$____$$____________$$___$$_________________$$
____$$______$$_____________$$_$$_______$$_________$$
____$$______$$________$$____$$$________$$_________$$
____$$______$$________$$____$$$_______$$__________$$
____$$______$$________$$_______________$$__________$$
____$$______$$________$$_______________$$____________$
_$$$$_______$$________$$_______________$$____________$$
$___$$______$$________$$$$___________$$$$____________$$
$___$$______$$________$$__$$_______$$__$$____________$$
_$$$$$______$$________$$____$$___$$_____$$___________$$
____$$______$$________$$______$$_______$$___________$$
____$$______$$________$$_____$$________$$___________$$
__$$________$$________$$$$$$$$___$$$$$$__$$_________$$
__$$________$$________$$______$$$______$$$$_________$$
$$________$$__________$$_________$$$$$$__$$__________$
$$______$$__________$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$______$$__________$
$$_$$_$$$__________$$_____________$$$$$$$__$$_________$
_$$$$$$$___________$$______________________$$________$$
_____$$__$$__$$__$$_$______________________$$_________
There were multiple options for this typical post, but you get the idea. Social media is a place where people are supposed to express themselves, not express others. That’s 13 kinds of inappropriate. Also, whoever actually takes the time to come up with things like this needs to meet a human being.
7. The Vague Aggressor
We all know cowards like this. They post something so obviously abrasive and confrontational that it peaks your interest, yet just vague enough so that no one, including the person for whom the message is intended, has any idea who or what is being talked about.
Typical Post: I know I should just move on, but how can I after what you did to me?! Rest assured, I WILL get back at you for all the pain and suffering you have caused in my life!!
These posts are usually followed by comments from others saying “what happened?” or the sly and sneaky “get ‘em, girlfrannnnn” in an effort to decipher this seemingly unbreakable code.
If you’re going to “buck up” on somebody on social media, at least call them out publicly so your post will be entertaining. I save all my guessing games for “48 Hours: Mystery” and “Maury Povich.”
8. The Google+er
These days, everyone’s trying to be hip and cutting edge. People like to discover the next big thing. Some people are delusional enough to think that Google+ is that next big thing. They are wrong. But they’d love to spend all of their time convincing you (and themselves) why Google+ is the best thing on earth (because let’s be real, sliced bread can’t organize your friends into circles…).
Typical Post: Guys, stop wasting your time with Facebook! Google+ has so many rad new features that I’m thinking about deleting my Facebook altogether! Plus, I need more friends on Google+!! Com on over!
No, Christina Aguilera, I’ll pop a squat right here, thank you very much.
I find it interesting that these people go on another social network, tell you how terrible that social network is in comparison to G+, then threaten, without coming through, to leave that social network.
Telling people that Google+ will eventually catch on is like walking into a church wearing a badger and screaming to everybody in attendance “THIS IS GONNA BE HUGE, JUST WAIT!”
Being wrong isn’t hip. It’s wrong.
9. The Undiscovered Artist
These days, everyone thinks they’re gonna be the next Elvis or Van Gogh. But the truth is that the singers sing like Vincent and the painters paint like Presley.
They’ll certainly beat you over the head with their “art” though, whether you like it or not. While there are some obvious exceptions to this rule, the majority of the people who use social media as a means to start their career as an artist or entertainer have little to no reason to do so. But, like many other people on this list, they’re just searching for that positive reinforcement.
Typical Post:
Yeah, I’m callin’ Andy Warhol out. So?
He would have been a god and made eight times as much had he lived in the social media age. His friends would comment on something like this and say “Oh, Andy, your copied version of Monroe in different colors is pure genius! You should see what you can do with something else someone else created instead of you!”
The same can be said for music. People seem to really think their music is good. And they only think it’s better because people lie to them and tell them it is. But what else are you supposed to do when some guy posts his latest acoustic cover on his page, rip him a new one and force his untimely death?
Don’t put that on us, Undiscovered Artist. Keep your crap to yourself.
10. The Peter Pan
There are people, on social media and in general, who just can’t seem to grow up. Usually, after someone graduates from high school or college, they typically leave that stuff behind. But in recent weeks, I’ve seen a ton of posts that grown adults just shouldn’t have anything to do with.
Typical Post: SOOO Proud of my DZ girls!! Lookin’ so fly at the Kappa Mu Idon’tgivean Ioda Formal last night! DZ FOR LIFE!!!
I understand that you paid thousands of dollars in college to have friends. I get that. Making friends is hardddddddd. But you’re a big boy/girl now and you don’t have to keep pretending that you’re still fratting/sororitying(?) it up with the homies all the time.
You’re supposed to be a functioning member of society now. Act like it.
Did I miss some? Did I get a few wrong? Let me know what you think. On second thought, I’ll probably ignore you anyway.
